Where to begin...where to begin. There is so much that has happened in our lives since August that I'm not sure where to start. How about I take a blog moment to talk about therepy? I'm a huge fan always thought I would LOVE it but was never tempted to go until I was in desperate need of professional help in September. I know for normal people that your youngest child starting school may not be a big deal but for me it was 20 billion times harder than even I ever thought it would be!
Keith and I didn't have the easiet beginning, being that I was 19 when we met and pregnant 1 month after that. It forced us to take a hard look at our budding relationship and decide whether we wanted to get married or just raise this child together but apart (honestly I don't think we even ever thought about the latter but I'm sure at the time it crossed our mind). For me I knew Keith was the one..he was just different than anyone I had ever dated and from the moment we started dating we were inseperable so the decision to get married really wasn't that hard of a decision to make FOR US. After 7 months of dating spending 6 of those pregnant we married, Parker came 2 1/2 months later and I instantely fell in LOVE. We became a little family and 2 1/2 years later just shy of my 23rd birthday I gave birth to Kenna. At that time I asked my docter to go ahead and tie my tubes while she was in there but she refused and told me I had to be over 25 to have the procedure done and boy am I glad they didn't do it cause now I'm on the fence about a 3rd child.
Since the girls started school the feeling is even stronger!! It's just hard for me to say that at 23 or even now at 28 that I'm done having children. For 8 years I was a stay at home mom and now I don't really know what I am.
Which brings us back to therepy! That was the reason I started going in the first place because I was having severe panick attacks and depression about being by myself ALL the time. It began with feeling like I had a ton of bricks sitting on my chest then it was the butterflies in my stomach that would start the second I got home from taking the kids to school. The silence was so defening that I started leaving the TV on so I wouldn't have to listen to the nothing. After weeks of dealing with those minor uncomfortable symptoms I began waking up in full blown panic attacks at 1:30am every night! Once the wakeing up every night got worse and worse my after drop off butterflies turned into hysertical sobbing from feeling lonley and like I was done being a mommmy and like I didn't have anything to look forward too. When 3:00pm came and I could pick the kids up from school and Keith got home I felt fine but then the cycle would start all over when I went to bed. Everyday was the same wake up, take the kids to school, come home cry or panic, try to distract myself, pace the house till it was time to pick them up, go to sleep, wake up in the middle of the night with no hope of going back to sleep. The less sleep I got the worse my anxiety was the next day.
Fianlly I couldn't take it anymore and I decided to go see my docter. I explained my symptoms to her and she prescribed me anti-depression medicine claiming that it would make me feel like I was in my first trimester of pregnancy with fatigue and light nausea. BOY was she wrong...I was not tired at all, in fact I didn't really sleep for 3 or 4 days just from one dose. It was terrifiying I felt like every nerve in my body was on FIRE. My jaw hurt from grinding my teeth and I couldn't eat anything so I was shaky and weak and my panic attacks only intensified.
Needless to say after that I decided to take a more natural route and try therepy. I didn't feel better after the first appointment but I kept going began doing yoga and taking baths before bedtime and eventually I got a full nights sleep and started to feel a little better. Now I have anxiety only every now and then and a lot of it has moved from being because of my lonliness (now that I'm working) to being more about my health. Everyday I wish that I had never had that first Anxiety Attack because once you have one it's hard not to freak out that you're going to have another one at any moment and it's really scary to feel like you can't control the negetive thoughts that go through your mind. I've taken a break for the holidays and now I need to get back in the schedule of going because it really is nice to talk to an unbiased person.
At first I was ashamed that I was having these feelings but now I realize that suppressing all of those sad and negative emotions is what got me to such a bad spot and talking about the way I'm feeling is the only way that I can naturally get past all of the junk going on in my head. That's where I'm at now hoping to stay positive and stop dwelling on the negative because I know there is SO MUCH MORE to enjoy in my life and I know that with the help of GOD, FAMILY, FRIENDS, and THEREPY I can manange anything life throws at me!!!
Love ya!
